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New Uses For Old Berrys

By Kevin Hill on 19 Jun 2007 03:42 am EDT

This weekend ex-supermodel and all around nutcase badass Naomi Campbell settled a lawsuit on against her former assistant, Amanda Brack, who accused the supermodel of verbal and physical abuse during a five month period in 2005. Brack, 21, sued Campbell and accused her of assault, battery, false imprisonment and emotional distress while she was in her employ, which commenced in February 2005.

The highlight of the suit was the claim that Campbell hit Brack with her Blackberry. Which got us at to thinking just how effective the blackberry could be as an offensive weapon.

So, we at CrackBerry present our guide to the belligerent uses of the BlackBerry:

 blackberry cheney

The Regular Berry

Probably the easiest use of the offensive Berry. Called ‘The Cheney’ in North America, the ‘Campbell’ in the UK and the ‘Russell Crowe’ in Australia, it really is as simple as finding a victim and lobbing the BlackBerry forcibly in their general direction. Skilled proponents of the art can impart a little spin or a knuckleball curve for added effect. 

blackberry tomahawk

The TomaBerry

Perhaps a more artful use of the Berry is this method or imparting some damage. The TomaBerry a modern version of the tradition North American Indian weapon. More ceremonial than useful, the Pearl is particularly easy to sharpen at one end. As you can’t get any service in most of southern Utah you might as well use the Berry for this purpose. 

blackberry grenade

The BlackBerry Grenade

Simply pop out you battery and SMS card and replace with about five ounces of Semtex or C4 plastic explosive and lob as far away as possible. The US Army, since it dropped RIM devices earlier this year is particularly interested in this. Of course, these army ordered type of BlackBerrys would cost $8 million each.

  blaberry nunchuk

The BruceBerry

What to do with that fake knock off the doesn't actually push e-mail or work as a phone. Simple. Follow famous martial arts king Brue Lee and convert your duff Redberry into a slinky and effective Nunchuck. Great at parties. Until someone loses an eye.


The Ancient Berry

With the proliferation of new Berrys, what is the medieval re-creationist to do? Simple. Build a catapult and pelt your armour wearing enemies with your old Berrys. Is also useful for most Palm products too. Good to know as the Palm is rapidly heading the way of the catapult.


Ashton Wilcox

Great Article! I always wondered what RIM did with the blackberrys they receive for their Trade Up program. They probably sell them off to armies around the world to use as catapult ammo.

Ryan Blundell

Back in their day the old berrys should have been advertised like this

sanity is the playground for the unimaginative


RIM has a trade-up program? really? so seriously. what happens with the old ones?